The Rule(r)s of Expectations

Expectations. The satisfaction of meeting expectations feels good; the thrill of exceeding them, the rush of it – it’s exquisite. Expectation is the basis on which the sentiment of content is built. And without content, there is no happiness. Expectations act as the motivation to set your goals and achieve them. But how you form them is different. Do we expect things, because we want to achieve them or, do we let others control us?

The human race, while being the most selfish and self-centered group of species in the universe, is, ironically, driven by the concept of what other people think. We want to know what people think. We want people to shower their opinions on us. We want people to validate us. And, the worst part, we want to meet their expectations. Social media’s outreach clearly does not help the cause.

It is easy to assume that the path your life is on and career you’ve “decided on” was your own choice with very little influence – that you chose it because you wanted it, not because someone expected it from you; not because you corroborated with someone else’s opinion. We assume it so easily – that we are our own people; we don’t even realize when we give someone else the control over our choices. Now, I am not talking about adults choosing for kids, I am talking about adults choosing for people who are supposed to be adults making their own choices. Just look around a retail store for an hour, you’ll know what I’m talking about – everyone wants someone to endorse their choices.

Of course, I would be the first to say that it’s okay to want validation; as dramatic as it may sound: we’re not always sure of what we want. But, how far are we ready to let someone else influence our choices? The notion of “What would he/she/it/they think?” is an over-bearing, suffocating, controlling and excruciatingly frustrating concept to live on. To live under everybody else’s expectations gives little room for you to be yourself.

Expectations are the burden of a lifetime – especially, if it’s not your own. The obligation of doing things to satisfy someone else and even worse, aligning your own expectations to the expectations of the rest of the world is possibly the single worst thing to put on yourself as an adult. One day, you’ll grow to realize that the burden of expectations is killing you from the inside and the only way to get rid of them is to break yourself.

Your straight ‘A’s report card, your seamless dedication, your impeccable punctuality, your unsullied image, your perfect “name” – they are all meaningless, if they don’t make you happy. They are meaningless, if you have to push away things you want, things you care about, in order to be what is expected of you. They are meaningless, if you have to live inside a circle of judgement: suffocating and smothered.

Don’t get me wrong – I would never expect any human being to reject all the expectations of the world and live a life as a self-centered, narcissistic and morally vain individual. Individualism, in its purest sense, is a cruel way to live life. The lack of compromise and an over-reach of rationalism would be the end of times – humans aren’t humans if they get logical about their emotions.

No. I am talking about the expectations from the society and the judgement that comes along with it. I am talking about the parents who force traditional careers on the kids, because society thinks any other career would put them on the streets. I am talking about the teachers who bully low-scoring students; the pressure that comes with the expectations on a student with the perfect scores; the relatives who ask when the twenty-something girl is going to get married; the neighbors who question everything from what you are wearing to the things you buy; the manager who takes advantage of your dedication and over-works you.

Peer pressure. Judgement from the society. Expectations from loved ones. Questions from the family. Deadlines at work. All of them piled up on top of your own obligations. How do you carry them forward without disappointing anyone? How do you cross all the “t”s and dot all the “i”s without facing discontent? How do you keep everyone happy and stay happy?

Truth is, keeping everyone happy is not your obligation. Satisfying people’s expectations is not the duty of your lifetime. At any point of time, for any decision that involves your life, you come first. Not the narrow-minded relative. Not the obsessive neighbor. Not the jealous friend. Not even a parent who doesn’t understand. Just you. As long as you trust yourself, you come first. Always.

When you put the expectations of the world on top of your own, one day, it will break you. A single check-list with the expectations of the world and yours will become heavily cumbersome and suffocate you till you break. You’ll be left with a list of things to do, a bunch of condemnatory people with their disappointment, a heart full of regrets and a depressing path ahead.

Humans are built to be non-transactional. Not just humans, life itself is built to be non-transactional. There is no give-and-take policy. Helping someone does not mean they’ll help you when it matters. Aligning your priorities with someone else’s expectations will not make you happy. To make yourself happy, only you matter. Thinking for yourself matters. Pampering yourself matters. Doing things that make you happy matters. Living your life on your terms matters. Nothing else. Nobody else. Just trust yourself to be adult enough to be good enough for yourself.

You’ll make mistakes and you’ll learn from them. Prevention is not always better than cure. Sometimes, you need to be infected to become immune. You’ll fall more than once only to get up stronger. And through it all, you’ll be your own person. Your expectations will take priority. You will be content. And you will be happy.

Woman: Not a Novelty, but a Norm.

March 8^th. Themes, activities, celebrations. We celebrate women. We glorify women. We get inspired. And… then, we move on.

There is a stench of hypocrisy in which Women’s day goes by. There are inspirational anecdotes and stories of intellectual women who conquered the world with their intelligence and suave. And then, there is a subtle advice to women to be upfront, open and bold and break through inhibitions. There are motivational posters and thought-provoking messages that women can achieve anything in the world. And then, there is slight thrown back saying that the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world and that the quote is suitably inspirational for women. Right; because, women are supposed to rock cradles to rule the world.

It’s not just on Women’s day; it’s every other day. Every other day where you are called arrogant for speaking up; you are called weak for not expressing your opinions; you are called character-less for not letting people down easy; you are called cold-hearted for loving your career as much you love your family; you are berated for choosing your family over your career – the list is endless.

This double standard runs deep; so deep, that someone needs to write handbooks for dealing with each situation. How to talk to a man without hurting his ego? How to deal with stalkers without berating them? How to be assertive without being perceived arrogant? How to be nice to obnoxious men, because they have the power to fire you? How to not be responsible for harassment experience at a workplace?

There are two sides of this coin and both needs to be addressed in equal measure. Heading it is stereotyping.

Stereotypes need to be broken, they say. And, the illogical part is that they say this to women. Women don’t create the stereotype to discriminate women; men are part of this problem too.

Men also need to be educated on the lines that women are no longer the weak components in a society that work to earn a living and not to make a career. Men need to be informed that when they see a group of trainees, the woman got there by merit just as much as the man did. Men need to be trained not to judge talent by gender. The girl can be intellectually sound as much as the boy next to her.

Let’s leave the talents aside.

You like pink, right?

You watch Vampire Diaries and Korean dramas only, no?

You like football? Wait, do you like football or just Cristiano Ronaldo?

You must like One Direction over Linkin Park, for sure.

All of these one-liner comments reek of judgment. It’s not a matter of intellect or talent or skill. Stereotypes exist in the way you form opinions of people. Stereotypes exist in the way you view a person’s taste and character. Stereotypes may be drawn by the society over the course of time, but it would take a particularly incoherent imbecile to not see that times have changed.

Most workplace discrimination occurs mainly because of the pre-conceived opinion about women, in general. These opinions maybe held by men (most of the time), but on some level, by women as well. An assertive female manager with impressive team management skills is accused of being bossy and domineering. A man who handles the situation with much less skill will get something as harmless as an eye-roll. There is a distinct gap in the opinions formed around men and women in powerful positions.

America has always held a high place in the general opinion of being progressive. However, they have yet to elect a woman leader. An incompetent, egoistic, narcissistic, racist, misogynistic, fraudulent, corrupt, insensitive, senseless liar of a man is more qualified than a manipulative, lying, competent, capable woman. Two very bad choices? No. One bad choice and the worst choice you could possibly have. The mistakes of a woman are under a magnifying glass, while the atrocities of a man are brushed off as locker-room talk. Talk about sexism!

The progress of women rests more on the hands of the people who control it and less on the woman herself. That does not mean that she can be the stereotype that they perceive her to be and still expect to be placed higher – that’s not how life works. We put in the work and we (are supposed to) reap the benefits – that’s the rule.

I did say two sides of the coin – this is the tail end of the argument.

As previously mentioned, the stereotype exists, because of pre-conceived opinion about women. The problem becomes obvious when we see some women who are perfect examples for the broken, aimless and weak picture that society has painted. The women who use offline tactics for the promotion; the under-achieving women who keep themselves near grass-hopping over-achievers to be visible; the women who act the victims for the sympathy – these women tarnish the very essence of progress for the rest of us.

What is hard for people to understand is that when you play the victim card – it is like crying wolf, not just by you, but by the entire female community. Your victim card will keep the real victims hidden forever. Victim cards are for victims of somebody else’s doing. When you walk on the road and fall into a hole, you’re the victim. When you dig the hole and jump into it, you don’t get to play the victim card.

You know what happens when you fail to take responsibility for your actions and instead play the victim card? You end up justifying the sarcasm that goes with the one-word comment that every woman has heard at some point in her life:

Women. *sigh* (add eye-roll here)

And we go one step back on all the effort we’ve put over time. There is a very popular rebuttal whenever I’ve voiced this opinion: We are not perfect, men make mistakes too; they’re not berated. Extremely on point – except, the patriarchal society got established with all the men acting like they own the world. Not by playing the submissive for making mistakes. I am not aiming for a matriarchal society – but equality comes from proving that you really are equal to men – not by backhanded tactics that are demean your entire race.

It’s very rare for a girl to be….

This is the stereotype that women should strive to break. The rarity of a girl to be something a man can more commonly be associated with; that’s the line that I would urge women to cross. The theme for this year is rightfully, press for progress. Get to the top by climbing the ladder, not by knocking others off-course. Successful women should no longer be a novelty, but a norm.

Social progress doesn’t happen until the entire society strives to move forward – not just women. Equality is not achieved by pulling men down to the submissive norms women have been used to. Equality is about achieving the same rights and liberties that men have enjoyed over centuries. We have decades to get there and we need to start somewhere – so let’s start with us. Let us truly be change we want to see in the world, may be not in an Alexander The Great kind-of-way, but in a tiny drops make an ocean kind-of-way.

The Social Network of (Fake) Friends

Friendship has become quite a fluid term; trust and loyalty have become too trivial to include in the sphere of friendship. The confusion between a faithful friend and a casual acquaintance has been blurred significantly with the evolution of social networking.

The guy you thanked for holding the elevator doors for you is a friend; the girl who borrowed your kajal is a friend; the canteen bhaiya who serves you food everyday is a friend; a colleague you shared a cab with once is a friend; even the guy who stepped on your foot one day and apologized is now your friend. We truly live in a strange world.

I hold no condemnation for the friendships that start in unexpected circumstances; though, there raises the question of how the sanctity of friendships are maintained thereafter. In the light of a genuine relationship that friendship offers, how do these inconsequential meetings end up holding higher significance?

Making “friends” is an easy and short process. A simple ‘hi’ here and an eye-lock there; a smile around the corner and, now you have a friend. But, making actual, trust-worthy and loyal friends is a long, tedious and an emotional process. Not to mention a process that you need to have trust in. This is why making friends as a child was easy. Nobody second guesses you; nobody questions your motives; nobody thinks you are phony. Friendship was black and white with no trust issues or complications or misunderstandings. Friendship was so… simple. There was purity in it, because we didn’t know enough to label it. The simplicity was lost along with the ignorance of childhood and adulthood’s ulterior motives paved the way to Trump’s favorite word: fake.

Fake is the trend of the century. Thanks, in most part, to Facebook. Or as my mom calls it, Fakebook. The smiles on the pictures tell a story different from reality. Everybody wants to tell everyone else that they’re happy; that they’re pretty; that they have the biggest group of friends in the world. The girl going through depression poses in bright pink and a huge smile on her face; the couple in an unstable relationship post a cute selfie with a romantic caption; two friends who don’t speak when they meet tag each other in memes; two people who openly feud in-person post wishes on each others’ birthdays. Makes you wonder, what’s real?

It is, without doubt, an extremely pessimistic and distrustful way of looking at people. In a time when people are friends for a materialistic reason and not because there is some amount of emotional connection involved, being wary of people is, in my opinion, rational. Everyone has been stabbed in the back by that friend that they trusted too much. Everyone has thought at one point that their friend was using them. In fact, there have been circumstances where I have been assured that ‘being used is part of friendship’. The friend you copy your assignment from; the friend that gives you a free ride home; the friend you shows you answers during tests. The list is endless. But, at the end of the day, once the purpose is lost, so is the friendship; which brings my point to full circle: people are being used like objects and labeled as friends. This breaks the sanctity of friendship.

This is a one-man-opinion. It could and would differ from person to person. One may be open to the idea of having friends like the nomads do; one here, one there and forgotten after that. One may be stringent in the number of people they open to. And some incredibly strange people may be friends with everyone. Literally, everyone. I call that strange because, in my opinion, one person cannot be friends with a whole lot of people without a certain level of pretense: it takes a lot to be a chameleon.

In my opinion, the chameleon factor exists because of social network. We have accustomed ourselves to a virtual life on the Internet that it has affected reality too. A friendship on Facebook is like a egg: we won’t know if it’s rotten or not unless the shell is cracked open.

Social media seems like a window into our lives. A window that shows only things we want to show. A window that we want to believe is the reality. Sadly, Fakebook doesn’t give us the liberty to make that window realistic. And our ego doesn’t want reality to be projected on this beautifully crafted window of Facebook. We have been judged based on the number of friends we have. Our beauty has been judged by the number of likes our photos have. Our likeability factor depends heavily on how much of a chameleon we can be. The girl with a thousand friends can be a racist, but she’s pretty and has a thousand friends – so, who cares? The girl with a handful of friends can have a well-paying job and be snubbed for not having enough friends to spend her money on – which is an incredibly stupid way of judging someone. There really is no limit to the virtual cover that Fakebook provides for its users.

Another thing about social media is a series of ’10 things you only do with your best friend’ posts that seems to define how true friendships should be; like this. one If an extremely naive person who is susceptible to changing their minds based on what they read on the Internet, reads these posts, there is a very good chance that they are second-guessing their friendships right away. And I’ll tell you why: I don’t walk into my best friend’s house and open the fridge and drink whatever I want. It’s got nothing to do with friendship: because, one – it’s extremely rude; two – I wouldn’t want her mother thinking that her daughter’s best friend forgot that we are a civilized society.

One ritual among best friends – the mandatory PDA post; the post that explains how much you care and love each other; the post with a collage of the thousand selfies you took; the post that illustrates your friendship journey through the thick and thin of break-ups and goofy chatter and tailgate adventures; the post that makes the reader jealous of the friendship you share; the post that colours your past as the testament of true friendship.

And I’ll be the one to know you wrote a similar post about another friend a couple of years ago before having a fallout that Fakebook doesn’t know about.

As adults, it is extremely difficult to be as amicable as children are. It would be foolish to believe that no one has ulterior motives: because, let’s face it, at the end of the day everybody does. In reality, nobody really over-analyzes friendships. I don’t either – at least not while making friends. In retrospect, I believe making friends is easy. Maintaining friendships are difficult. Those huge gangs of ten to twelve people in college who used to talk together, laugh together and have their fun together – post-college, they’ve been reduced to smaller factions of nobodies who don’t write their mandatory PDA posts anymore.

The friendships that last the distance and time are the only ones that matter; the ones who want to keep you close will keep you close. The ones who were friends with you to copy your assignment won’t be able to reply to birthday wishes or reply to messages, in general. Reality is that friendship is a two-way street: just like any relationship; it takes two to manage, maintain and extend it.

Intolerant beliefs.

I have my beliefs. You have yours. Ours might intersect – but they’re not really the same. So, why can’t we co-exist? Why do we have to bully each other into believing what you believe?

Beliefs don’t kill nations. Traditions don’t kill nations. Humans killing traditions and imposing beliefs kill nations. Humans killing humans for beliefs kill nations. Humans who are intolerant to a tradition or belief that is not their own, kill nations.

You know what you get when you start imposing your beliefs?

You have vegetarians resolving what meat non-vegetarians must eat.

You have an entire state voided from learning the national language.

You have a democracy headed by someone who wants to follow a singular tradition.

You have a regime of Republican government that immorally follows an imperialistic rule.

You have men deciding how much a woman should earn and what she should wear.

You have women defining and generalizing men as unethical.

You have the leader of the Free World banning an entire religion.

You have straight people telling that being gay is a choice.

You have actors banned for being from a specific country.

You have an entire religion of people deemed as terrorists.

Why? Why can’t we tolerate a difference in belief? Why do we go out of our way to influence everybody else? Why can’t we just co-exist?

Racism. Sexism. Violence. Terrorism. Everything comes from intolerance. Humans who just cannot tolerate something so different from what they are.

Intolerance kills nations. As a nation so diverse as ours, intolerance is poison. As a democracy as large as ours, intolerance is the wildfire. You can’t put it out once it spreads.

In the name of nationalism, when you cut down traditional, cultural and individualistic rights and freedom – you know you’re lighting the match to your own downfall.

 

 

The Nerd World.

One look at the title and I swear, some of you went – I do not want to go there. 

For a stereotype, nerds are the overtly studious; the first-benchers; the ones who remind the teacher of the test she forgot to keep; the ones who wouldn’t miss a deadline; the teachers’ favorites; the college-regulars.

Who am I kidding? It’s not a stereotype; it’s the truth.

The stereotype would be to think that being a nerd is something that’s easy.

It’s not. I am a nerd. At times, I am sorely embarrassed to admit that, but then it’s the truth; so let’s face it. Our lives are twisted with obligations, rationality and no fun – what do you know about it?

Just as how a good broom sweeps well at first, everyone strives to keep up the good image during the first few days of college. And then, lethargy creeps in and confuses the herd.

You think that doesn’t affect us? It affects us the most. Watching 30% of the class going off to a movie, while your brain keeps telling you ‘do not be that person’ is unnerving. You see, for most people the heart always wins the battle of ‘Heart v. Brain’. It’s the exact opposite here. Brain trumps heart – always. Unless, you manage to break us.

You see, we don’t like being kicked out of the class for indiscipline. We don’t like being given detentions – which translates to extra work. We cannot manage disapproval.

In short, we don’t like the black marks. We don’t like being on the list. We don’t like to stand out for the wrong reasons. We don’t like being the rule-breakers. Unless, you manage to break us.

Let me tell you what that’s like. Imagine yourself being absolutely stringent with the rules. Follow everything to the ‘T’. Do everything in a just and fair way. Don’t heed to those sneering people who think you’re uptight and no fun. You get all the ideal scores in all your tests – you know, even on those tests that don’t matter at all. Your reputation is like a clear piece of glassware – no smudges, cracks and fingerprints. You’re perfect.

But then, you’re also human. You’ve got your cravings and guilty pleasures. You want to bunk the occasional class and go off for a movie. You want to spend an extra minute with your friends in the cafeteria, however late you may be for the next hour. You want sleep through the day instead of finishing up that assignment. You want to binge-watch a series instead of studying for that test that holds no academic value.

But you can’t. ‘Cos brain trumps heart and all that. So, what started as the first few days of college for the rest of them, ends up being your four years.

For four years, you can’t let lose for the fear of tarnishing your image – however beneficial your untarnished image may be (full internal marks, oversight of slight misgivings etc.,) it’s not worth it, right?

Expectations. That’s what’s killing us from the inside. You get a below-average mark, people go ‘You? You got that? What happened? ‘ Not only are your peers having a rave, but your brain constantly, internally and deeply self-humiliates you; to such an extent that you study your next worthless test like your life depended on it.

I know what you’re thinking: don’t. Don’t listen to the brain. Go with the heart.

Uh-huh. Easy for you to say. It’s not your brain that dings like a microwave oven every time you try to have a life.

Say that you get over your internal struggles and do get to the flexible part. You bunk, go to movies and (due to the massive inexperience) get caught. And your teacher gives that disapproving expression and goes ‘You too?‘ And your brain says, I told you so, in an annoying sing-song voice.

Peer pressure, they call it. Wonder how that almost never happens to the rest of those people. You know, the people on the list. Or maybe, it does and they don’t care if everybody thinks their unruly.

Take a closer look and you can notice one thing. We are the ones expected to score miracles consistently, test after test. We are the ones expected to deliver mind-blowing projects. We are the ones expected to fill up our resume with colorful adoration that nobody else does. We are the ones expected to get that dream company in placement. We are the ones expected to never fail.

To be honest, at the end of my third year, I was thoroughly fed up. I mean, my heart was – my brain was jubilant. Constantly living up to somebody else’s expectations, I felt suffocated. Of course, it reflected academically and it was followed by a self-evaluation, where my brain decided that the fun isn’t worth it.

Now, I look-back at the days where I didn’t bunk during a mass-bunk; the days where I ran off early during lunch to be on time for the lab hour; the days where I was one of the 10 people in class when the rest of them didn’t turn up. It doesn’t give me happiness, but I don’t regret it either. For some reason, I (both heart and brain) believe that I am where I am with my academic record because of the choices I made then.

I say that, because temptation is like a drug. Bunk one day and you’ll most probably do it again. And again. Till it breaks you and defines a new you.

May be those people had more fun, made better memories and got more stories to recollect. But then, to each his own, I say. The choice I made might not be fun one, but for me, it turned out to be the right one.

So, here I am saying I am a nerd and proud to be one.

I’m kidding. I’m still embarrassed to admit that.

The Theory Of Equality

The recent issue of “equality” that has cropped up, thanks to that mushroom-headed female on Neeyana Naana, has forced me to make a point here.

This is a post for every feminist, anti-feminist, misogynist or even an indifferent person out there!

Let me begin by saying that feminism is about equality for men and women culturally, politically, socially, economically and personally.

To all those women who think men and women are equal in anything and everything:

Let’s make sure everything from laws to rules to punishments reflects your opinion. Will that be okay with you?

To all men who think women need to know their place in terms of career and profession:

If she has the guts to do it, you have the guts to not be a baby about it.

To all those women who think they can wear anything anywhere and any way they want and claim men are being perverts:

When in Rome, be a Roman. No one has taught our conservative society not to stare at mini-skirts.

To all men who think women who wear modern clothes are obscene and vulgar:

Being indecent applies both ways. You can wear your low-cut shirts with your low-hip jeans and show off things we can’t un-see, but we wear a legging and that’s vulgar? If you do it, it’s a fashion statement; if we do it it’s indecent. That doesn’t mean that women should be allowed to be indecent. It means you shouldn’t be either.

To all guys who cannot tolerate a woman being outspoken and bold:

Imagine that it’s a man who’s speaking her words. That should take fewer tolls on your ego.

To all women who think they can get guys to do anything they want:

Lady, you’re treading a dangerous path. Manipulation only takes you so far.

To all guys who think small of a quiet woman in power:

She’s in power; you’re not. There’s a reason behind it.

To all those women who do everything that a man does; in the name of “feminism”:

In terms of education and social status, that applies to be good. But, if a girl wishes to do something anti-social just because a man does it, that’s unacceptable. If she calls it feminism, she’s crazy and needs help.

 

To all guys who think that a bold girl in power is bossy and dominating:

If a guy in her place acted the same way she did, would you be dragging his name through the mud?

 

To all those women who can’t stand up for themselves:

Being outspoken is not a crime.

Being brave is not a crime.

If a person over-steps, it’s only your right to tell them they’ve crossed their limits.

 

To all those men who think they have to be respected just ’cause they’re men:

I’ve got a few choice words for you that might land me in jail.

 

To all women who think that it’s okay to insult men, calling it “being equal”:

Being equal goes both ways. Be ready to dodge the daggers that come from his end.

 

To all men who think women are dumb and don’t know anything:

Do take care to show your face when she proves you wrong.

 

To all men who think it’s okay to insult women, ’cause they’re supposedly weak:

I think you’ll be okay when she insults you in return. You’re gonna need lots of Burnol for that burn and your bruised ego.

 

I’m a feminist. I respect men as much I respect women. I treat men the same way I treat women. This equality cannot be generalized in our society. There are some things that women do better than men and some other situations that only men can succeed in.

 

This is just my opinion. You may think I’m unreasonable and arrogant. You may agree with me, you may not. Irrespective of whether you’re a guy or a girl, I couldn’t care less.

Fashionable Men. Indecent Women.

Why is so much being spoken about women attire? Why are fashion statements under so much scrutiny?

The recent indecent photographic depiction of leggings on the front page of a popular Tamil magazine caused uproar in the social media. While the focus of media has degraded the very essence of journalism, let us delve into the topic itself.

Are leggings vulgar?

Consider me a modern conservative. So, like any other case of fashion, I think this depends on perspective. For a suitable kurta or a top, I think leggings are hottest trends in women’s fashion. Can that be generalized for all women? ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Even the strongest of feminists would find some women’s fashion sense (when it comes to leggings), appalling. While the popular sense should be to wear what suits you, the familiar trend is wearing what everyone wears; whether it’s vulgar or indecent or downright degrading to womanhood: no one cares.

That’s where the line of vulgarity blurs. However, that is not give cause to print cover page photos of innocent women, but I think at some point women have to understand the decency of the fashion statement they’re making.

My question is: why are women’s leggings the only target here?

How many men wear the low-waist jeans, low enough to tell the world the brand of underwear they enjoy?

How many times did we have to endure the fashion statement of men’s inners, their various colors and designs?

How many disgusting moments did we come across where men pull their lungis above their thighs for that stripped Bermuda to show its face?

How many times have we seen boys wear shirts short enough to shove the waist line for everyone to see?

Media can’t find enough pictures of that or what? When women do it, it’s vulgarity; when men do it, it’s a fashion statement?

And what is your problem with women and jeans? Tell me, how does the level of decency in wearing jeans differ between men and women?

Indecency in all senses is vulgarity, irrespective of whether it’s for a man or a woman.

Fashion is evolving in all its faces. Choosing what to wear needs to satisfy two criteria: decency and comfort. Wearing indecent clothes don’t make you modern.

Also. When in Rome, be a Roman.

Love and Repercussions

Recently, I visited my native place and one of my neighbors there had a very interesting life-story to share. Before I get into the specifics of it, you need to know a little about my native.

I’m originally from rural hamlet in the edges of coastal Kanyakumari district. Things that are common here: Hard-core Christian values, a rich commitment to traditions and customs and (I’m not proud of this) an idiocy of narrow-mindedness. People who talk about feminism and equality of rights would rather set themselves on fire than to change the minds of my fellow villagers.

That said, let’s come back to my neighbor. I don’t want to name her, so let’s call her Sharon. Sharon completed her M.E. in engineering and got herself a really good job as a professor at a respected college in Nagercoil. Her parents are very rich and needless to say, they were hunting a son-in-law who was as rich and as worthy as they were. Sharon’s parents were very active church members and it goes without saying that they brought up Sharon instilling her with the pious and important Christian values.

So, as you can guess, she fell in love with a colleague, let’s name him, Murugan. Yes, he was a Hindu and he worked as a peon at the college. And like in a Telegu movie, he happened to be from a family of limited means, with an educational qualification of third standard. The news of this fantasy love story reaches Sharon’s household and they vehemently disagree with this “unethical and immoral” pairing. Her father’s account is that, and I quote, “I would have allowed her to marry him if he’d studied fifth grade and was a Christian, but a Hindu husband for my daughter is just unacceptable.”

And so, like a Tamil movie, the lovers eloped and got married. Sharon was thrown out of her house and her estranged parents no longer want to have anything to do with her. Murugan’s parents were, thankfully, more generous and accepted the couple under their roof.

Unfortunately, the inter-colleague love story reached the ears of the college management. Traditional as the people are, they fired Sharon, but allowed Murugan to keep his job. (Note that the girl was blamed and fired, the man was warned and unpunished). From here on out, everything that Sharon encountered was the harsh reality of the life she’d chosen.

Murugan’s salary amounted to Rs. 4000 p.m. It had to support his wife and his parents. And so, with her educational qualification, Sharon sought to take up a job. She got an offer to work in a small IT company that offered to pay her Rs. 6000 p.m. She was excited to take up the job, when her husband insisted that the job was too basic to be worth her post-graduate engineering degree. She got yet another job at another company that offered her Rs. 8000 p.m. She had to turn that down because her husband believed that it wasn’t safe for her as there weren’t enough women working at the office.

It would take an idiot to not notice a pattern here. Each time she got an offer that paid her substantially more money than her husband’s job; she was forced to turn it down. A man who supposedly loves her can’t bear to take the fact that his wife earns more than he can. And now, 18 months later, they have a 6-month baby to take care of (something they just couldn’t wait to happen).

I don’t what to do, she says, I feel like I’m cut off from the world. Her laptop was her only means to access the Internet and it got fried. Repairing it would cost 2000 bucks, that’s half her family’s monthly income. Applying for a job meant filling out an application form and acquiring the corresponding learning materials to write the entrance exam. That required money; money she didn’t have.

It’s not just her career that is crippled. A sincere Christian at heart, she wanted to go the church on a Sunday. Her husband diverted her to ask his mother. And she says no. Now, Sharon lives a boxed-in and useless life with a no-good husband, sacrificing her religious beliefs and her soaring career.

She might not say it out-loud, but she’s reeling in the choices she made; the choices that have potentially destroyed her life. All she ever did was love.

Was it truly love? Was Murugan’s compassion driven by the possibility that “netting” her could mean getting his hands on her father’s money? A plan that went horribly wrong and leaves him with no choice but to put up with this innocent and inconspicuous woman for the rest of his life.

Who do you blame? The young lovers who were careless? The management that was gender-biased? The in-laws who are heartless? The girl’s parents who are soul-less? The girl who have up her life in exchange for the sheer pleasure of love? The husband who cares more about his ego and arrogance than the welfare of his family? Who do you blame?

People on social media take very less time to criticize that parents always disapprove when she falls in love with a guy. A girl’s life is like a glass frame; in the blink of an eye, a single crack, a single smudge, a single mark would expose it to criticism and disapproval from everyone who can see it. No parent would truly want that for their daughter. No daughter would, in reality, want it for herself.

How much ever one might preach the right to equality, when it comes to a broken a marriage (including a child) it is the woman that is affected the most, because no mother would want to abandon her child with a man she doesn’t want to live with. At least, no sane mother would. So, where does it leave our society?

Where does it leave all those girls who are in blissful relationships that their family disapproves? What does life offer them, if their family abandons them? Do they truly know the man they’re in love with? Did Sharon know that Murugan was a no-good, egotistical maniac with a self-serving selfish disdain for womanhood?

I absolutely do not believe every family-disapproved marriage turns out this way. But, some of them do; so when do you know its love? And what do you do when you learn it isn’t real and it happens to be too late?

The Ridiculous “Choice”

Vogue India’s latest short film has reached 3.6 million views on YouTube in just 3 days. The video starring 99 women, titled “My Choice” is narrated by Deepika Padukone and directed by Homi Adajania.

The short film is Vogue India’s venture in promoting “Feminism” following various women-related issues in the Indian society. While the initiative to create awareness and the mode of promoting the idea is much appreciated and welcome, the content seems to be nothing short of ludicrous.

‘My Choice’ fails splendidly, falling into pieces that are complete and utter nonsense and have nothing to overlap ‘Women Empowerment’. It is a sad attempt to endorse feminism and in fact projects a completely preposterous sphere to feminism.

The narration begins with what a woman’s choice is.

My choice: to be a size zero or a size fifteen

Agreed. How a woman views her body is entirely her choice. But, linking weight constraints to trapping the soul is a bit far-fetched.

They don’t have a size for my spirit and never will.

To use cotton and silk to trap my soul is to believe you can halt the expansion of the universe

Or capture sunlight in the palm of your hand

First rule of poetry. Use little over-the-top dramatic vocabulary.

The only fair point in the entire narration is:

Your mind is caged, let it free

This is hard core feministic. It’s the only couple of lines that actually make perfect sense. Narrow-minded people need to loosen up to understand and shape themselves according to the changing dynamics of the society. Of course, it has little to do with the short film and its message towards gender equality, but still, it makes a fair point.

Here comes the ridiculous content:

My choice: to marry, or not to marry

To have sex before marriage, to have sex outside a marriage, to not have sex

It’s a woman’s choice to have relations before a marriage – the world’s women are growing up way too fast and with westernization creeping into (not just) celebrity lives, this point makes an infinitesimally small sense: even if it’s every mother’s worst nightmare. I’m not in agreement, I just think it’s forgivable compared to what comes next.

It’s a woman’s choice to have relations outside a marriage? What rubbish? So, a man’s a pathetic cheater if he has an open relationship, but when a woman does it, it’s her choice. I am a woman and this disgusts me beyond anything. How do the rules of marriage differ for the couple in question? And even if it doesn’t and even if the oh-I’m-so-feminist people of Vogue argue that a man can have the same liberty, that’s not a marriage. That’s not even a relationship. What it is, is antipathy at its best.

My choice: to love temporarily or to last forever

Nonsense. Again. A depracating way to portray a relationship between two individuals. Being in a relationship is to last forever. There is no question of choice, not after a commitment is made. Of course, making the commitment is entirely an individual’s choice.

Remember, you are my choice

I am not your privilege

To the men reading this: this is not feminism. This is a ridiculously pathetic attempt at depicting superiority of women over men; something that I vehemently oppose. In the name of gender equality, Vogue has attempted a take-down on the men; a comical effort.

My choice, to come home when I want

Don’t be upset if I come home at 4 a.m.

Don’t be fooled if I come home at 6 p.m.

The same applies to women who whine, grumble, object and protest when their husbands come home late. Would that be acceptable?

My choice, to have your baby or not

Are you kidding me? Having a baby or not is most definitely NOT the choice of the woman! It’s a couple’s decision. A man will most certainly have a say in it. How stupid can people get? Either we have male chauvinists treating women like child-bearing machines or the “feminists” who choose to have a baby. Stupidity.

My pleasure may be your pain

My songs, your noise

My order, your anarchy

More stupidity. A husband gets drunk and wrecks havoc at home because; it’s HIS choice, it’s HIS order. And what happens there? He is called names, dragged to police station for harassment. But a woman’s order is her choice? And men have to sit by and watch it? Every man, woman and child have a right to speak for themselves, a right to stand up for themselves: a right that has been widely utilized by men, while women (on most occasions) have not been forthcoming.

Your sins, my virtues

I am VERY curious to know what these lines actually refer to. ‘Cos if it refers to what I think it does, that’s the joke of the century.

I am the tree, not the forest

I am the snow flake, not the snow fall

You are the snow flake

Oh, goody. More poetry that makes no sense.

Finally, the narration ends with:

I choose to empathize

Or to be indifferent

I choose to be different

I am the universe, infinite in every direction

This is my choice

A woman is many things. A woman can become many things. A woman can inspire many things. It is true. But it is equally true, that a man is capable of all these things.

The narration speaks from a woman’s view. How about we read the entire narration again from a man’s point-of-view? How would feminists react to that? How empowering would that be? How equal would men and women be?

An empowerment to a man’s choice… how would that be?

When he asks for dowry, it’s his order; your anarchy.

When he is abusive, it’s his pleasure; your pain.

When he asks you to give up your career, it’s his song; your noise.

Interesting choices, aren’t they? When a man makes a wretched choice, it means jail-time and more criticism. Now, a woman makes a wretched choice, we call it “empowerment”?

This dim-wit attempt at popularizing what’s called “Indian Feminsim” needs to stop right now. This is not gender equality. This is not woman empowerment. This is not feminism.

And Deepika Padukone. We feel for you. We were with you during the whole issue with the newspaper daily. At that point, you were our women empowerment symbol. Right now, you tossed it right out the window with a bizarre and incredibly pointless short film.

You need to understand. You are a Bollywood actress whose privacy was violated. You are not India’s Emma Watson. So, don’t try to be one.

Emma Watson. #HeForShe. She’s the boss.

Journalism: The New(s) Politics

It is understandable that for India’s leading news network, the programs, the articles, the news bits, the gossips gain instant publicity and this news network ends up making a lot of money.

For us, the readers and viewers, we like and prefer the network with an unbiased outlook to Indian journalism, undeterred by political influences and not afraid to be straight-forward about the truth.

How much ever they wish to portray the truth, or should I say a version of the truth, a news network is still a news network that exists as big as it does, because of we, the viewers and readers. So, when they go about stamping and hurting our sentiments, that is crossing a line.

#ShamedInSydney was as low as anything can get. That was OUR INDIAN TEAM. Our boys. Who played the tournament of their lives after a series of abysmal performances. They won every game till now, bowled out the opposition at all times, batted like Gods and owned every team they faced.

Yet, all they get painted as is “shamed”? By India’s leading newspaper. That’s not journalism. That’s a business tactic to get the crowd going and watch the fun. That’s cheap and low and simply, pathetic.

What did trend when India beat South Africa? That was an unexpected win for us. Somehow, a positive result, some good in the world, something that’s colorful and healthy is beneath a news network to make a big deal out of?

Dhoni retires from Test Cricket without so much as a whisper and all newspapers can do is how unethical and selfish his decision is and how he didn’t even have the guts to be direct about it. And they write about it for three days across five pages. All that is now a whisper in the wind, once India started winning again. And Dhoni became the unsung Indian hero, who is playing for his nation rather than spending time with his new-born daughter.

So, journalism is about reporting everything in existence as and when it happens and when the dirt falls, every history of similar dirt falls? They have lives too, you know? To rip a person’s a character in the front page of a newspaper that is read by almost every household.. that’s cruel. And even with all the ripping and digging that journalists perform for the juiciest bits, when a public figure is reserved, that is also a taint in their image, because they don’t interact.

So what is it that news networks want? It’s wrong to not talk, but when they do talk, everything is analyzed, reanalyzed and the person themselves is psycho-analyzed. All because they’re a public figure and we’re a democratic nation. The Right to Freedom of Speech.

They want to perform straight-forward and honest journalism? How about trend something when the India team is on a high? Why not mention “we were the first to cover this” on something that’s primarily good and positive. When the Centre performs some real good deed? Instead of reporting how much Mr. Modi’s pinstrip suit auctioned off.

The skill is to first grab eye-balls. Once that is done, all they do is spite all the noble causes and go on a full-on business-tactic-let’s-make-more-money-mode.

That’s as bad as the corruption scandals they report. Offending readers and viewers is unethical. Especially for a leading news network.

The thirst for all things critical and damaging, the undue need to be negative on every outlook, the primal instinct to see everything as a news story without any consideration, makes the whole point of journalism dirty and partial, no better than politics.